Shipmaster Let ‘Volir Found Constipated in College Bathroom

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Shipmaster Let ‘Volir of the CAS Enduring Conviction was found struggling to keep it together as he suffered severe constipation in the confines of a cramped bathroom at a small university in Pennsylvania, U.S., officials said.

‘Volir, still in contract with Banished leader Atriox, had stopped at Susquehanna University to demand lower tuition for his nephew, Enz ‘Volir, who was struggling to pay off the $45,000 annual tuition in order to earn an obsolete-yet-vital-for-society degree in the arts. However, when Shipmaster ‘Volir had failed to show up for a meeting he arranged with the Office of Financial Aid, the normality of the ordeal was flushed away.

‘Volir’s wearabouts were determined when a few students reported hearing “TURRET COMPLETE!” and “HARVESTER CONSTRUCTED!” roared from a small bathroom inside an older academic building. When the shouts of “POWER EXTRACTOR CONSTRUCTED!” began to disturb nearby lectures, campus security was dispatched to the bathroom and found ‘Volir hunched on the toilet bowl, gritting his mandibles and using his four-fingered hands to wipe islands of perspiration from his forehead.

As soon as he noticed the intrusion, ‘Volir shouted: “OUR BASE IS UNDER ATTACK!”

Campus security said that after a prolonged verbal debate with the agonized Sangheili, a thundering splash was heard from the toilet bowl. After wiping, flushing, and unclogging the toilet, ‘Volir beamed with triumph and roared: “A victory is a victory!”

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