Standing in a sorrowful pose on a dusty shelf, a Mattel Halo Wars 2 action figure of Jerome-092 ruminated over his lack of detail in comparison to an earlier figure crafted by McFarlane Toys.
“That other Jerome figure is eight years older than me, yet has infinitely more detail,” the Mattel figure told reporters. “Sure, people can take my armor pieces off and swap them with other Mattel figures, but it’d be nice to have at least some semblance of effort put into painting me.”
The figure continued: “I don’t want to sound like a little bitch, but if Mattel can make Barbie’s breasts have the proportions of basketballs, then they can at least put some paintwash on my stupidly shiny surfaces.”
Reporters also noticed that Jerome’s weapon was nowhere to be found. CNN reporter Jim Acosta asked the owner of the figure, Hugh Gainus, 19, whether or not the weapon was included in the packaging. The answer was not what Acosta expected:
“The weapon was so oversized that the figure’s hands couldn’t even hold it […] so I ground it up into a fine powder and snorted it.”
Mattel declined to respond to HaloSwallower’s request for commentary on why the comparison between their Jerome figure and McFarlane’s 2009 figure was like the difference between Halo Wars 2 gameplay graphics versus the CGI cutscenes.