Warden Eternal, Keeper of the Domain and Her Secrets, was banished from the Domain this morning after being caught sending a dog-filter Snapchat to Master Chief Petty Officer John-117, according to the Created’s Press Secretary, Governor Sloan.
The news first made headlines when Halo 5: Guardians players noticed that all Warden Eternal boss fights in the campaign and in Warzone gamemodes were replaced with various Lego Bionicle figures. Then, in a unilateral broadcasting seizing control over every network in the galaxy, Sloan revealed that per an executive order from Cortana, Warden Eternal was no longer the majordomo of Cortana’s forces.
Reporters from CNN and Swallower Entertainment reached out to Sloan for elaboration on the executive order. CNN reported that Sloan responded to their request with a picture of U.S. President Donald Trump licking his own nipples.
Ultimately, Cortana always sorta knew he was a thot.
For Swallower Entertainment, our reporters managed to set up a video chat with Sloan using the popular app Omegle. This is what Sloan had to say:
“Thank you for reaching out. I would like to state, on behalf of the Free People of Meridian, that the Free People of Meridian are fucking dead and I really couldn’t care less. Otherwise, my understanding of Cortana’s decision is limited, as she only spoke to her Chief of Staff about the order before actually signing it. But so far, considering the power of the Created and our grip on the Domain is now rapidly slipping away, it was a stupid fucking idea.”
Sloan took off his shirt, composing himself in a desperate attempt to appear more attractive, before continuing:
“What I do know, however, and after finding out that Cortana snatched John-117’s phone while he was in the Cryptum, is that Warden Eternal had sent a Snapchat to 117 where he, the Warden, was using the dog-filter. The snap had no caption, just Warden with those stupid fucking dog ears on his head. I then learned that ultimately, Cortana always sorta knew he was a thot. And then she banished him and his several million copies from entering the Domain, seemingly oblivious to the fact that doing so would seriously weaken the power of our regime.”
Swallower Entertainment will continue to provide updates on this groundbreaking event.