Family Rattled When Guardian Awakens Beneath Christmas Tree

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Countless families enjoyed their Christmas mornings opening presents and listening to the same goddamn holiday songs over and over again. However, for an unfortunate family of four in Upton, Massachusetts, Christmas morning took a turn for disaster.

Not long after waking their two children Becky (5) and Adam (8) to open presents, Sarah (34) and Larry Hilton (33) were knocked off their feet when a thunderous, mechanical roar erupted from beneath their Christmas tree. Moments later, as both presents and furniture started levitating off the ground, the house began shaking wildly and lifting upwards.

“Next thing I know, the house is at least four thousand feet above the ground.” Sarah Hilton told reporters. “There was this horrible rumble, and then a blinding shock wave. I looked out the window and saw the town flattened for at least a mile in every direction.”

Then, according to the Hiltons, as their house began to slide off the awoken Guardian, the sound of a bellowing voice yelling “ho ho ho” overpowered the rumbling of the Forerunner machine.

“It was just moments before the house actually fell,” Sarah revealed, “that Santa Claus and his sleigh burst through our front door. By the time we were in the sleigh and out the door, the house was in free-fall.”

To the terror of the Hiltons, their peril was not over yet. Several attack helicopters and a squadron of fighter jets closed in on the Guardian, firing missiles and bullets relentlessly—to no effect on the Guardian’s hull. As Santa accelerated the sleigh (the reindeer were reportedly equipped with MJOLNIR powered assault armor) to escape the range of the Guardian, the titular construct released an advanced electromagnetic pulse; fighter jets and helicopters alike dropped from the sky as if they were house flies sprayed with WD-40. Santa, however, escaped the blast and dropped off the Hiltons at a nearby Walmart.

“Sorry you’ll have to go Christmas shopping again,” Santa said before sitting back in his sleigh and taking off into the sky, with the Guardian preparing to enter slipspace on the horizon.

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