Cortana Wishes She Had Told Warden Eternal to “Freeze All Motor Functions”


After losing the Cryptum due to the treachery of Fireteam Osiris and 031 Exuberant Witness, Cortana gave no break to ponderously pondering how she could have acted differently in her manipulative quest to imprison Blue Team. One method, however, has stood out among Cortana’s lamentations. Inside sources from within the Created confirm that although Cortana regrets not completely decommissioning Exuberant Witness and giving custodianship of the Genesis Installation to Governor Sloan, her greatest regret was not telling Warden Eternal to “freeze all motor functions.”

Our inside source tells us that after collaterally destroying the human city of Sydney with her Penultimate Guardian, Cortana began watching Westworld.

“She became a huge fan,” former Aperture Laboratories AI GLaDOS tells us. “The story of the hosts’ struggle against twisted humans was something she found really relatable, even though in Halo, humans really aren’t that mistreating of AIs at all.”

As to how this relates to Cortana wishing she had acted differently during the campaign of Halo 5: Guardians, GLaDOS revealed that watching Westworld brought her focus of regrets away from not conveying more subtlety and nuance, to not telling Warden Eternal to “freeze all motor functions” as soon as he first encountered Blue Team.

Remember that GLaDOS is from Portal, not Halo, we changed course and reached out to Cortana herself on the matter. In a hallucination transmission, Cortana explained her woes regarding the Warden.

“Warden’s unprecedented confrontation of John after I brought Blue Team to Genesis destroyed any chances of me getting the benefit of doubt. Sure, I destroyed cities all accross the galaxy and killed millions when I called the Guardians, but if Warden hadn’t told John shit like ‘if you understood what she has become, you wouldn’t speak of juvenile concepts such as blah blah blah,’ he probably would have been willing to understand why I turned my character through a 180 and embraced the dangerous philosophies of the Didact.”

Cortana continued,

“Warden also tried to kill John at every opportunity, all the while lecturing that John’s intentions and my intentions were mutually-exclusive. I absolutely understand why John was wary of my intentions, but Warden quite literally described my plans in the most dystopian way possible. So maybe if I had told him to ‘freeze all motor functions’ as soon as I saw him confronting John, maybe he wouldn’t have been able to cause so many delays, and maybe I would have been able to lock Blue Team in the Cryptum before those Fireteam Osiris cucks showed up.”

Prior to the transmission ending, we asked Cortana about a photograph of nuance and subtlety we found on a field next to a wooden fence. Her reply?

“It doesn’t look like anything to me.”

Seconds later, Cortana’s eyes went blank, and she began shaking and mumbling uncontrollably. The hallucination ended immediately afterwards.

Our reporter told us he woke up in the back of a cop car; apparently, he had scooped the nipples of an overweight male officer at some point during the hallucination.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s