Sorry, but Grunts Do NOT Celebrate Thanksgiving


Recently, it has been brought to our attention that enormous swaths Halo fans have built burning, lustful intentions to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with Grunts. After thorough investigation, including research and interviews with many Grunts themselves, HaloSwallower has found that no, the Unggoy do not celebrate Thanksgiving.

Many of you are likely to be dissapointed. We understand your frustrations and offer our condolences. However, as sorrowful as we are to have uncovered such a dreadful reality, we can only wonder why the fuck any of you actually thought the Unggoy would be celebrating Thanksgiving.

First of all, the Unggoy have—throughout their entire history—lived irrefutably shitty lives. Their homeworld, Ballaho, is hardly habitable with giant plumes of fire and devistating winters that drive their species to near-exctinction twice on a yearly basis. The arrival of the Covenant surely presented unto them a better life, but that life ended up being second-class citizens and at the bottom of an oppressive hierarchical regime. Hell, it wasn’t until they rebelled against the Covenant were they finally given a place on the battlefield, but that was just as cannon fodder and suicide squads.

The only thing the Grunts really can be thankful for is the Created’s empowerment of them, but we don’t like to talk about the Created here so we will pretend that bit doesn’t exist. Besides, when the Created are gone, those who sided with them will most likely be brutally punished by vengeful humans and Sangheili.

Second of all, Grunts ingest their food via food-nipple when in an environment lacking an atmosphere of methane. Unless you were planning to prepare your turkey, stuffing, and whatever else such that it is compatible with food-nipple (and good fucking luck with that), you’d be the only one eating all of that food on the table.

So yeah, if you were actually expecting to be able to have Thanksgiving Dinner with your Grunty nipple buddies, you are a fucking dumbass. But for those who weren’t planning on such, happy Thanksgiving!


One response to “Sorry, but Grunts Do NOT Celebrate Thanksgiving

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