“Well I Didn’t Want You Assholes Anyway,” Halo 3: Anniversary Says

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Despite a growing trend of HD remakes throughout the gaming industry, 343 Franchise Director Frank O’Connor recently took to NeoGAF forums to announce that 343 Industries has no plans to remaster Halo 3. Some fans were in uproar, lamenting the bitter fact that now they will no longer be able to hear Miranda Keyes say “To war” in a glorious CGI cutscene, and other fans were relieved to know that such a huge amount of resources will not be wasted on yet another goddamn remake.

However, for all the strife, no one was prepared for what Halo 3: Anniversary itself had to say:

“Well I didn’t want you assholes anyway. Ya’ll would just spend so much time bitching about minor art changes, or the remastered soundtrack, or maybe you would be so neck deep in nostalgia that you wouldn’t notice my gaping plot-holes anyway and how the only way to fix the worst of them was to use Precursor Space Magic™.”

Meanwhile, Frank O’Connor rushed from 343 Industries’s office in Kirkland, WA to confront the rogue remake. Armored in a polka-dot morphsuit and armed with a deadly mop, O’Connor tracked down Halo 3: Anniversary to its bunker in southwestern Kazakhstan, yet found only a Nigerian Prince offering him unlimited fortunes to O’Connor in exchange for O’Connor credit card and ID. O’Connor, having secretly added the bugs of the Master Chief Collection to his banking account, slyly gave his credit card to the Nigerian Prince. Eye witness accounts report that after downloading the 20 GB patch onto O’Connor’s card, the Nigerian Prince emitted a deathly mechanical moan, froze in place, and came crashing to the ground muttering “You finished -1th.”

At this time, the hunt for Halo 3: Anniversary continues. It is believed that Russia may be providing asylum to the wayward remake, just like Halo Online.

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