Your Weekly Haloscopes – 10.29.16


Been a while since we did one of these. Alas, let the pseudoscience of astrology be the Shepard of your upcoming week in Halo.

Aries – March 21 to April 19

Roses are red, violets are blue, you suck with the sniper and the railgun too.

Taurus – April 20 to May 20

Time was your ally, human. But now it has abandoned you. The Forerunners have returned.

Gemini – May 21 to June 20

Look, we’re not astrologists, but the stars are telling us that this week, you will be granted a great gift from the REQ store: REQ SERVICE UNAVAILABLE.

Cancer – June 21 to July 22


Leo – July 23 to August 22

The Mantle of Responsibility shelters all. Except you. You’re on your own, pal.


Virgo – August 23 to September 22

The amount of joy in your eyes when you saw a Hannibal Scorpion in that REQ pack will be superseded only by sheer terror when you get boarded at spawn.


Libra – September 23 to October 22

Even though you have already unlocked Achilles, your week will be spent kill-farming because you’ve stooped so low that you have forgotten any other ways to play.


Scorpio – October 23 to November 21

In contrast to Libras, your week will be spent trembling in Warzone as predators clad in Achilles prowl the core room with power weapons and damage boosts like a school of hungry sharks as they savagely murder anyone on your team unlucky enough to spawn in the base.


Sagittarius – November 22 to December 21

In contrast to both Libras and Scorpios, you’ve quit Warzone altogether and stick with solely Arena. Yet little do you know that in your first CTF match, the enemy team will be clad in Achilles, they will score two captures in two minutes, and they will spend the remainder of the match slaughtering your team for kills. And you’ll end up spending most of it on your own because unlike your teammates who quit as soon as they realized the intent of the enemy, you foolishly decided to equip a Legendary RP boost!


Capricorn – December 22 to January 19

No, that’s not the Flood infesting your basement. That’s mold. And you need to get that cleaned up.


Aquarius – January 20 to February 18

On the first clear night of this week, the thumbsticks will fall off your controller.


Pieces – February 19 to March 20

Retrieving data…


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