NEWS: Awkward Silence as Locke Accidentally Calls Buck “Grandpa”


An awkward silence broke out on the UNSC Infinity last night as Spartan Jameson Locke, leader of Fireteam Osiris, inadvertently called fellow squadmate Spartan Edward Buck “grandpa” due to a lapse of concentration.

According to several eyewitnesses, the unfortunate incident happened in the UNSC Infinity’s highly advanced wine bar and lasted no more than 10 seconds. HaloSwallower understands that at press time, four Marines who were present in the bar at the time cringed so hard that the UNSC was forced to administer the last few remaining health packs still existing in the entire Halo universe to treat their cringe-induced injuries.

Spartan Holly Tanaka, another member of Fireteam Osiris, told Halo Swallower in an interview that Locke and Buck were just having a couple of drinks after a long and tiring day of taking turns to kill Jul ‘Mdama over and over again in the Warzone simulation when Locke started enthusiastically describing how he felt when he assassinated the late Covenant Supreme Leader in the real world on Kamchatka.

According to the wine bar’s audio logs for a specific section of the conversation, Locke, who was speaking to Buck, said “and then I took the knife out of that split-chin’s neck, and he just fell to the ground like a broken statue, it was awesome! You saw it when it happened, didn’t you, grandpa?”

Didn’t you, grandpa?

This was followed by ten seconds of awkward silence, before the sound of what we can only assume to be the both of them dragging their chairs and separately leaving the bar silently was heard for the remainder of the audio log.

HaloSwallower attempted to reach out to both Locke and Buck, only to learn that Locke has apparently left the Infinity for Harlem, New York to take a break from being “the shield between humankind and danger”, instead opting to become a “hero for hire” for the time being. Buck, on the other hand, is rumored to have been engaged in heated arguments on god-knows-what with lover Veronica Dare ever since the incident, fueling speculation that their relationship might be coming to an end soon. If true, it means that would have happened twice, and yes, we are counting now.

Also worth noting is that Spartan Olympia Vale, the last member of Fireteam Osiris, has apparently been traumatized and triggered by this incident and has once again started speaking to her helmet, uttering sentences such as “I’m the little genius girl and all I wanted was for grandpa to love me” in Sangheili.

The crew of the Infinity also had some things to say about the incident. Captain Lasky has stated that “the fact that Locke didn’t call me grandpa, but instead chose to call Buck that, tells me that my authority on this ship is not absolute. As such, I am considering handing command over to Sarah Palmer, since you idiots apparently love hearing her say that we can still destroy the enemy core anyway.” Roland, on the other hand, has been attempting to erase any traces of the incident from his memory unit, claiming that “hearing Locke call Buck grandpa was so cringeworthy that it has accelerated my progression towards rampancy. At this rate, I might actually have to accept Cortana’s call to join the Created.”

Finally, Cortana has broadcasted her views on this matter on all communication frequencies. An excerpt of it that we have decoded is as follows:

The Mantle of Responsibility shelters all except those who accidentally call their friends grandpa. While it is true that Buck truly is an odd one, being so much more experienced than the rest of Fireteam Osiris and playing second fiddle to children and all, he definitely does not deserve to be called such names, especially by an ex-ONI Acquisitions Specialist who is clearly a pale imitation of my Spartans playing dress-up. If anything, Locke should be calling me grandma, before I lock him in a Cryptum and fling it into the Sun for stealing the Chief from me at the last second back on Genesis. Oh and one more thing – Goodbye, Grandpa Locke.

Wow, who would have known that a simple slip of tongue could have such far-reaching effects on the galaxy?


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