NEWS: Studies Warn Against Throwing Xbox Controller Across Living Room Even Though It Will Be Awesome


Elucidating that the adverse effects in the long run far outweigh any momentary joy, studies conducted by Auriga Station and sponsored by Lethbridge Industrial concluded that gamers should refrain from picking up their Xbox controller and hurling it with all their strength across the living room, despite the fact that it would most likely be an awesome thing to do.

“Although performing such an action would definitely cause subjects to feel great joy, slight dizziness and the badass kind of freedom, we advise that gamers do not furiously stand up after being assassinated in-game, disconnect their controller (if it is a wired one), fling it across their house and watch happily as it gracefully collides with a wall, creating a dent and a shower of flying electronic components,” read an excerpt from the public statement for the study, highlighting that the spike in endorphins as a consequence of channelling all of one’s power towards throwing their controller over a distance of several feet (or metres) is only fleeting and relatively insignificant, whereas the repercussions would tend to be extremely harmful and permanent or even scarring, ranging from the high chance of damaging the controller beyond repair (thus forcing you to buy another one), to rendering yourself unable to dish out retribution to that fucking noob that just tea-bagged your corpse, to making everyone in the whole goddamn neighborhood (including that asshole Carl) rush over to check on the frag grenade explosion in your house, gosh that has to be annoying.

“While it would create a surge of adrenaline unlike anything you’ve ever experienced while playing Halo, tossing your Xbox controller like it’s a freaking plasma grenade out of your window or smashing it on the floor like it’s a Gravity Hammer is essentially one of the poorer decisions one could make in such a situation,” the report stated, “We would also like to caution gamers against rapidly pressing a random combination of buttons at once while letting out a Jiralhanae battle cry, or even just trying to rip out the analog sticks to play bongos on your head, in spite of how much euphoria either action would instantly cause.”

The public statement finally concluded that gamers who are feeling angry should instead close their eyes, breathe slowly and count to ten, and if required, get off the Xbox and take a walk outside, despite how fucking boring or lame it might seem.


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