NEWS: Warzone Opening Starts Most Well-Thought-Out Part of Man’s Life


Noting how thoroughly he had prepared himself for all possible situations, sources told Halo Swallower on Tuesday that the mental list of various Warzone opening strategies formulated by Alex Finestone was actually the most well-thought-out part of his life.

“If I get Escape From A.R.C., and fuck that map by the way, I’ll just run over to the nearest Armory and try to get a long-range takedown on the Sangheili General, before helping to capture it and cut off enemy players travelling from their Armory to the Garage by standing on that rock arch between the two Armories,” said Finestone, 21, showing how much more effort he had put into contemplating his game plan than he had in considering getting a job to pay his bills.

“If I get that Silent Cartographer remake, which is a nice map, I’ll steal a Mongoose from the starting area, drive over to the nearest Armory for an early capture, and then drive to the Zealot Assassin’s spawn to get an easy boss takedown early on,” he continued, indicating the amount of deep thought he had put into such tactical decisions instead of things like career goals.

“And what if I get March on Stormbreak? Well, I’ll probably call in a quick Speed Boost II and run over to the enemy Armory and wreak havoc, hopefully delaying them long enough for my team to kill Lochagos and capture Fortress without much resistance,” stated Finestone, proving that getting an edge over the enemy team early on in the game was more important to him than finding a lasting relationship, for instance.

“As for Battle of Noctus, which is a really simple map, I’ll try my best to ground-pound the Elite Prime while travelling up the Grav Lifts from the Home Base, before heading over to the Monument to contest it regardless of the outcome,” added Finestone, revealing that buying his own home was clearly ranked below getting that Warzone Daily Win REQ Pack on his mental priority list.

Finestone was about to go on to describe his plan for the “Skirmish at Darkstar” scenario when he was unexpectedly interrupted by a squeaker, shifting our attention back to Finestone’s compact 24-inch flatscreen TV, which displayed the current Warzone map to be Raid on Apex 7.

“Oh, finally, thank goodness!” Finestone exclaimed after promptly muting the lobby, “I was afraid that I would have to give away my secrets for Skirmish at Darkstar and Attack on Sanctum!”

Finestone then went on to execute his strategy, only to have a teammate beat him to the Mongoose, forcing him to walk to the nearest Armory on his own and change his plans to help capture Spire for his team instead of trying to kill the Zealot Assassin. Apart from that, the game went on relatively smoothly, with Finestone’s team quickly getting total control and destroying the enemy core for a quick win.

Feeling good about himself with this easy win, Finestone reportedly spent the last of his savings on buying that 34+13 Free Gold REQ Pack “Maximum Value” Bundle, remarking that “we have to be prepared for anything and everything,” and that “it is always good to set aside something like a Nornfang or Hannibal Mantis in case you ever need it in an emergency or something.”


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