NEWS: Woman Accidentally Discovers Forerunner Artifact While Playing Pokémon Go


Adding to what is now the latest and most bombastic accidental encounter for an innocuous Pokémon Go player, Wyoming woman Susanna Walker (19) was searching her backyard in chase of a Jigglypuff when she suddenly heard an audible, electronic humming noise before the soil around her began briefly levitating.

Witnesses told reporters that moments later, a gaping sinking opened three feet in front of Walker, revealing what appeared to be an elevator platform of Forerunner origin. Walker was then seen climbing into the hole, cursing about “how the Jigglypuff kept going underground”, and then the ground shook as the elevator platform descended.

In response to the discovery, the UNSC deployed a Fireteam of Spartan IVs—Fireteam MysticSuxLol—to the site. Initial contact was peaceful, but just as the Spartans descended into the artifact, they were engaged by an armada of Promethean Soldiers, all of whom claimed “the Mantle of Jigglypuff belonged to Team Mystic.”

Fireteam MysticSuxLol was also engaged by Promethean Knights wielding Pokeballs instead of Splinter Grenades.  Later study by ONI personnel revealed that the Knights were made from composed and duplicated essences of the lucky fucker who first discovered the goddamn place, Susanna Walker.

Nintendo has yet to comment on the discovery of a Forerunner artifact due to their product, but stands behind their advice of “throwing Pokeballs at anyone who tries to rob players at gunpoint.”


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