New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings of Joy When Spartan Charging Teammates Accessing REQ Stations


According to a study published on Monday by researchers at Ivanoff Station’s Cognitive Neuroscience department, humans experience the most intense feelings of happiness when Spartan Charging into a teammate who is attempting to retrieve something from his extensive REQ collection at a REQ station.

“After measuring gamers’ endorphin, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin levels during a variety of pleasurable actions, we found that the greatest spikes in joy were detected when participants knocked a helpless teammate far away from his REQ station and his REQs and watched him look around in confusion before walking back to the REQ station to finish what they had started,” said the study’s Chief Scientist, Dr Alistair Pecker.

Dr Pecker also highlighted that blissful sensations began skyrocketing as players heard the satisfying banging noise of their Spartan forcefully colliding with a teammate, and observed the majestic trajectory said teammate took in the air as they were helplessly torn away from their potential DMR, Nornfang or Hannibal Mantis due to none other than the player’s decision to be an asshole and the omnipotence of the Laws of Physics.

“Also, using MRI scans, we discovered that once said teammate realized who was responsible for knocking into him and started firing warning shots at the player, the pleasure centers of the brain lit up with a flurry of activity, as did the motor cortex, prompting subjects to repeatedly teabag with extraordinary finesse as soon as that happened,” Dr Pecker added.

However, it should also be worth noting that according to the same study, humans seemed to experience the most acute feelings of anger when hearing Palmer say “we’re not out of this yet, we can still destroy the enemy core”.

But who are we kidding?


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