News: Covenant Forces Perplexed By Disapearance Of All “Plasma Rifles” in Stock

Covenant data pads dating from 2557 were recently found on board the abandoned Covenant cruiser Holy Fire of Penetrating Rears. The ship was found in deep space shortly after the destruction of the Forerunner planet Requiem, and was curiously devoid of weapons, equipment, or homicidal aliens. There were however several data pads similar to the infuriatingly hard to find pieces of intel in Halo 5, that contained several audio recordings of Elites expressing confusion at the disappearance of all “plasma rifles.”

This discovery has caused only a minor mass hysteria, as other individuals began to suddenly recall other non-existent events and weaponry similar to this. The UNSC Infinity is currently undergoing mass therapy sessions after soldiers began reporting strange events such as having been unable to find a single assault rifle during the battle of Delta Halo, or hallucinating that the Forerunner Boltshot once had a “shotgun” function, and wasn’t three burst. Spartans even began becoming unhinged, searching the ship up and down for “armor abilities” which they claim to have used at one point.

Haloswallower personal on board witnessed the hysteria themselves, as one Spartan had to be be contained during a game of Grifball after passing out with his Gravity Hammer in his hand.

“It wasn’t here before!” yelled the sadly insane Gabriel Thorne. “I’m telling you, there were none of these on board a while ago, now they’re here and everybody’s acting like nothing happened!”

On an unrelated note, UNSC scientists have confirmed that the enormity of this fourth wall breach has created a tear in the fictional franchise continuity that will ultimately destroy the universe.

Looks like something else beat you to it Cortana.

 

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