A thousand lifetimes of planning by the Librarian, which involved the hiding and planting of seeds within humanity’s genesong leading to an eventuality, has inexplicably culminated in a Red Spartan who somehow managed to finish an entire Slayer match on Empire with 0 kills and 23 deaths, Forerunner Lifeshapers reported on Monday.
According to baffled sources within the Forerunner Lifeworker rate, the exact same seeds responsible for John-117’s physical evolution, combat skin and even Cortana have apparently also produced a pathetic excuse for a soldier who only managed to land 5 actual shots on enemy Spartans for the entire duration of the game.
“The identical starting points that have given us the amazingly sophisticated MJOLNIR Powered Assault Armor and the spectacular brilliance of Cortana have, as it appears, also given us a train wreck who cannot even tell the difference between his teammates and his opponents,” Lifeworker Second-Dark-Laces-Dying-Poem said. “Despite the Librarian’s careful planning to ensure only seeds that would provide humanity with the greatest advantages against the Didact were planted in humanity’s genesong, a clueless Recruit-donning player walks around in the Arena today who fires his Assault Rifle at anything but an enemy Spartan and killed himself by falling off Empire a grand total of four times.”
“This Red Spartan challenges everything we know about humanity’s claim to the Mantle of Responsibility,” Dying-Poem added, citing the fact that the Red Spartan has never been able to survive for longer than 30 seconds in the entire match. “He’s bringing the effectiveness of the Conservation Measure into serious question.”
Indeed, Lifeworkers said the Red Spartan is confusing on many levels. For instance, in studying his weird, off-center aiming, they have been unable to identify any significant benefit to combat skills over the more effective and less infuriating pinpoint accuracy exhibited by his unfortunate teammates. No scientist, Human or Forerunner, has also managed to successfully and completely explain how the development of thruster packs, which are marvels of human engineering, ultimately led to the Red Spartan using them to fling himself off Empire instead of using them to dodge enemy gunfire when being shot at from afar.
Some Lifeworkers have reportedly even begun to wonder if the very existence of this Red Spartan calls for the Librarian’s title as Lifeshaper to be revoked posthumously.
“It’s evident that the seeds planted by the Librarian have germinated to some significant extent to produce a warrior who never moves in a way that complements his teammates’ playstyles and somehow manages to nade himself for no apparent reason,” Lifeworker Chorus-of-Blue said. “But at the same time, paradoxically, that seems highly unlikely considering that the Librarian specifically planted those seeds in order to create a positive desired outcome, not this abomination of nature.”
Added Chorus-of-Blue: “I mean, did you see how he managed to commit suicide using nothing but a plasma pistol?”
Halo Swallower has also managed to contact former teammates of this enigmatic Red Spartan, and one of them has agreed to sit down with us for an interview to tell us more about this intriguing character.
“I don’t care if I get locked up in a Cryptum or blasted to bits by an Enforcer, but I’m pretty damn sure the Librarian had no fucking idea what she was doing,” a former teammate of the mysterious Red Spartan, who has asked to remain anonymous, told us. “It is impossible for any intelligent being that did any planning at all to be able to mess up so badly as to create a walking disaster as colossal as the one we are here to discuss. I think the Librarian accidentally spilled an unknown substance into humanity’s genesong while indexing it for preservation, and hoping to not get exposed for her negligence, just played it off as seeds for humanity to one day claim the Mantle of Responsibility.”
“And don’t tell me that it resulted in the Master Chief, guess what? He’s either dead or AWOL now. Checkmate, Librarian apologists,” the teammate of the Red Spartan added.
The Gravemind, on the other hand, has been reportedly rejoicing ever since learning about the existence of this Red Spartan.
“The true intention of the Flood has always been to bring eternal suffering to all life in the galaxy. Through this Red Spartan, we have caused countless gamers to smash their controllers in rage over this awful teammate, and made countless more deafened by the angry screaming of other frustrated teammates into their headsets,” the Gravemind explained. “This guy is really just a monument to all your sins.”
“We exist together now, 23 corpses in one grave,” the Gravemind added.
When approached for comment, the Red Spartan himself stuck himself with a plasma grenade and asked if he’d be getting any REQ points for this interview, before blowing up in a surprisingly satisfying blue explosion.