Your Biweekly Haloscopes – 4/6/16 to 4/20/16

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your Halo Waypoint account has been suspended until 4/12/2552 5 PM EST due to other.

 

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Spartans never die, but your hopes and dreams will.

 

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Crazy fool! Why do you always jump? One of these days, you’re gonna land on somethin’ as economically inept as you are! And I don’t do student loans and mortgage debt!

 

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

When the whisper of death creeps upon you in campaign, your AI squadmates will tread haplessly over your body rather than revive you back into combat.

 

Leo | July 23 to August 22

Look, no one cares that you’re a Champion III in Free for All. You don’t even have to try in that playlist to rank up!

 

Virgo | August 23 to September 22

Retrieving data…

 

Libra | September 23 to October 22

Other players may take annoyance to your high, 12 year-old voice, but at least you had the aptitude to tell them you fucked their moms.

 

Scorpio | October 23 to November 21

The fifth hour you spend on your Forge map will be the hour in which your house loses power and your map all progress.

 

Sagittarius | November 22 to December 21

The stars foresee a promising few weeks in which you struggle to clear space on your Xbox’s hard drive in order to download the Ghosts of Meridian update.

 

Capricorn | December 22 to January 19

Your Twitch channel will receive astounding viewer turnout, but only because people value the entertainment of knowing how not to play.

 

Aquarius| January 20 to February 18

Please please please remember to wash the Cheetos crumbs off your hands before using your friend’s controller!!!

 

Pisces | February 19 to March 20

Just because you’re good at using Plasma Grenades to suicide-stick people doesn’t mean you should.

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