HaloSwallower Ends

Dear readers and fans,

Roughly nine months ago, I decided to randomly create a Halo-themed Twitter page dedicated to posting sarcastic theory statements and exaggerated news headlines. It was only a matter of time until I felt the need to make a wordpress account, pay the $40 fee for claiming a custom URL, and then upgrade my sarcastic banter from 140-character paragraphs to 500-word essays. HaloSwallower.com had been born. In the months that followed, an innumerable surmount of changes have occurred in both HaloSwallower and in my life.

Last August, I began my college career as a first-year student at Susquehanna University. There, I met RavineCrusader, may or may not have fallen in love with her (we’re not dating though), and her joining HaloSwallower staff as our official video editor triggered a path of momentum for the site I never dreamed would be possible. Not only did we form lasting partnerships with pages such as HALO Memes and The Legend of Halo, but our team gained even more amazing members. ClassyCorgi, Earl Grey, Joe, Regret, and Kieron all came to be part of the squad of sarcastic denizens that RavineCrusader and I started. And I couldn’t be happier.

This has not been without challenge, of course. My career at Susquehanna University drew to a sudden, unexpected, and heartbreaking end when I received a letter, a week before the spring semester started, that I had been put on academic suspension for my not-too-desirable GPA. Not only was I separated from RavineCrusader and from (who happened to be on the Dean’s List) my own twin brother, but my confidence in my future took a plunge into the abyss. Luckily, this suspension is not permanent, and I am currently working my ass off in my local community college to take the steps Susquehanna University outlined to me in order to return in the fall.

You’re probably all wondering why I’m writing this. It’s not supposed to be a happy note. In fact, I write this because I am absolutely heartbroken to tell you that due to a combination of legal reasons and pressure from our personal lives, the team has been forced to close down the website, the channel, and all of our social media accounts. We will no longer be posting content, and all of our existing content will be deleted. Articles. Videos. Everything. HaloSwallower and its ambitions will soon become just a fading memory all because of the greed of corporations and their zealous protection of their IP’s. We wish it didn’t have to come to this. We really do. HaloSwallower has become a tremendous passion of mine…it’s not just sarcasm, it’s activism. Through the medium of satire we protested not just concepts related to Halo, but we applied real-world issues into the context of Halo itself, to put those issues in a perspective we can relate to and then proceed to address. That’s the beauty of satire; it exposes you to the problems our world and our society and our species faces in a way that harnesses the power of irony and the power of familiarity and uses that power to enhance your awareness and understanding to a point otherwise impossible.

Unfortunately, the beauty of satire did not protect us from getting a cease and desist letter from Microsoft. We pointed out the flaws of society through Halo, brought to light many issues of Halo itself, and it seems the masters of Halo did not approve. The end of HaloSwallower is due to occur by the end of next week.

Although HaloSwallower is doomed to complete erasure, neither myself nor our team will forget the most meaningful aspect of our site. That aspect of HaloSwallower is not our content, but rather our fans. The most important part of HaloSwallower was and will always be the fans, and the ability to be more thankful for all of you exists beyond the boundaries of possibility. You guys mean everything to us. Thank you so much.

That being said, I conclude both this essay–and HaloSwallower itself–with one, final note:

April Fools.


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