Forerunner Artifact Discovered Under Yet Another Goddamn Human Colony

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Calling it “a massive fucking surprise that no one could have possibly seen coming”, Tyrone Lee, Governor of Yet Another Human Colony (YAHC), made a broadcast on Saturday to all UNSC COM channels to announce that during a routine demolition job, workers uncovered a labyrinthine Forerunner structure extending far below the planet’s surface.

The Halo universe has no shortage of unexpected Forerunner artifacts buried under Human worlds. On Earth, a portal to the Ark was conveniently found in Voi, Kenya. On Reach, a Forerunner crystal was conveniently found right under ONI Castle Base. On Meridian, a luminary and (wait for it) a Guardian were both conveniently buried under the surface and waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves in order to serve as a plot-device. As Lee so eloquently put it, “frankly speaking, I’d have felt left out if those damned Forerunners didn’t think to leave any potentially planet-destroying tech or Covenant bait under our planet to make our shitty lives a whole lot more interesting.”

According to various sources, the previously hidden Forerunner facility is said to consist of hundreds of levels and sub-levels, extending to as far as three miles below the surface. It is also said to house several Flood Research Facilities, thousands of Sentinel manufacturing facilities and even a full-sized Cryptum, although these reports are unconfirmed as HaloSwallower has lost all contact with scouting teams sent down into the facility. Lee has described the facility as “more than enough content for an entire Halo campaign”

“No matter how gigantic or dangerous this facility is, its existence is definitely good news for YAHC. We have been struggling to get approval from Brian Reed for YAHC to appear in any form of Halo media for the past few years, but now that we have discovered this Forerunner facility, I’m sure that within the next year, we will get at least one indirect mention in some obscure Halo novel or comic,” Tyrone boasted  while wolfing down on a one-week old overcooked Moa burger, “If we’re lucky and a few more of these Forerunner things continue to show up under our planet, Halo 6 might even be focused on our colony world!”

However, not every colonist regarded this finding as a piece of good news. Kevin Jackson, a Pelican pilot, said that “This Forerunner crap is just bad news for YAHC. Next thing you know, a whole Covenant fleet appears right at our doorstep and shoots down my Pelican, adding to the whole Pelican crash cliché thing that’s been going on since forever. Now how am I gonna do my job properly? And I don’t even have insurance!”

Another colonist, a drill operator named Amanda Smith, complained that “all these Forerunners only know how to get in the way of my work. How am I supposed to drill and work for my family with peace of mind when I run the real risk of accidentally provoking an Enforcer which is more than capable of blowing my home into a crater?”

In response to the colonists’ concerns, all Lee had to say was “there is nothing to worry about, the situation is under control. With this discovery of Forerunner artifacts, we have secured YAHC’s significant role in Halo 6 and have successfully gotten Brian Reed’s attention. Hopefully he’ll send the Chief over soon. After all, it would be great if Prometheans suddenly started attacking us, that’d be really co-”

At this moment, HaloSwallower lost contact with the entirety of the planet. At the time of writing, we are doing our best to reestablish communication.

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