Your Biweekly Haloscopes – 3/23/16 to 4/5/16

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You may think you possess a stable connection, but you will not be finishing that match where you eliminated Warden Eternal.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Just give up. You’re not that good with the BR anyway.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars foresee a huge promotion in your Slayer CSR. You will rank from Bronze 1 to Bronze 1.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You are a leaf in the wind. Watch as you bring the flag to base, prepare to hit the winning score in a 2-2 game, and get assassinated.

Leo | July 23 to August 22

FaZe Kampy will not like your game clip of you losing to him on Empire for the thousandth time. In fact, he’s a little creeped out by your obsessing over him.

Virgo | August 23 to September 22

Three kills and fifteen deaths? Do you even try?

Libra | September 23 to October 22

Have your friend turn their look sensitivity to 10. See the way they shoot everywhere but the enemy? That’s how shitty you have always played, and these two weeks will be no different.

Scorpio | October 23 to November 21 

You will choose to spawn your ONI Scorpion at the home base. However, you will spawn at the North Garage. And when you spawn, you will be boarded.

Sagittarius | November 22 to December 21

They say “April showers bring May flowers.” Well, these April showers will bring you the Flood and ten hours spent trying to complete Cortana on Legendary ultimately to crash MCC during the closing cinematic.

Capricorn | December 22 to January 19

No, you aren’t getting Infection in Ghosts of Meridian. Bitching about it on Waypoint won’t change anything, so you may kindly hit “cancel” on that whiny thread you’re about to post.

Aquarius | January 20 to February 18

Johnson knows what the ladies like. You could learn a thing or two from him when you sweat your ass off during a CTF game without wearing deodorant and then expect your date that night to go well.

Pisces | February 19 to March 20

Your BTB Forge map submission will receive tremendous acclaim from the community, but it will ultimately be rejected by 343 in favor of another goddamn Blood Gulch remake.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s