Aries | March 21 to April 19
You may think you possess a stable connection, but you will not be finishing that match where you eliminated Warden Eternal.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just give up. You’re not that good with the BR anyway.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars foresee a huge promotion in your Slayer CSR. You will rank from Bronze 1 to Bronze 1.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You are a leaf in the wind. Watch as you bring the flag to base, prepare to hit the winning score in a 2-2 game, and get assassinated.
Leo | July 23 to August 22
FaZe Kampy will not like your game clip of you losing to him on Empire for the thousandth time. In fact, he’s a little creeped out by your obsessing over him.
Virgo | August 23 to September 22
Three kills and fifteen deaths? Do you even try?
Libra | September 23 to October 22
Have your friend turn their look sensitivity to 10. See the way they shoot everywhere but the enemy? That’s how shitty you have always played, and these two weeks will be no different.
Scorpio | October 23 to November 21
You will choose to spawn your ONI Scorpion at the home base. However, you will spawn at the North Garage. And when you spawn, you will be boarded.
Sagittarius | November 22 to December 21
They say “April showers bring May flowers.” Well, these April showers will bring you the Flood and ten hours spent trying to complete Cortana on Legendary ultimately to crash MCC during the closing cinematic.
Capricorn | December 22 to January 19
No, you aren’t getting Infection in Ghosts of Meridian. Bitching about it on Waypoint won’t change anything, so you may kindly hit “cancel” on that whiny thread you’re about to post.
Aquarius | January 20 to February 18
Johnson knows what the ladies like. You could learn a thing or two from him when you sweat your ass off during a CTF game without wearing deodorant and then expect your date that night to go well.
Pisces | February 19 to March 20
Your BTB Forge map submission will receive tremendous acclaim from the community, but it will ultimately be rejected by 343 in favor of another goddamn Blood Gulch remake.