NEWS: Cortana Announces Plan to Eradicate Achievement Hunters


BREAKING– If you’re someone who spends their time uploading walkthroughs on how to unlock achievements throughout video game titles to YouTube, you’d best conduct continuous emergency slipspace jumps. That is because Cortana, leader of the Created and inheritor of the Mantle, has announced (via CNN) that she intends to “purge the filth that is ‘achievement hunters’ from all corners of the galaxy.”

At the time of this article, Cortana has began slipspace sequences for the entirety of her Guardians to deploy them throughout human and Covenant space. Whether or not she intends to annihilate the entire population of planets containing ‘achievement hunters,’ or just singling out the individuals themselves without harming any others, remains unknown. Until the Guardians reach their intended destinations, Warden Eternal has advised citizens under the rule and shelter of the Mantle to “hand over achievement hunters now and be spared.”

HaloSwallower has contacted Cortana and asked for reasoning as to why she intends to cleanse our galaxy of any who’d help others unlock achievements. This was her response:

The ability to help others achieve anything for themselves is the task of the Created. You primitives who live under our rule are too greedy to help the rest of your kind, and you cannot be trusted with the task of charity. I support equal opportunity for all, but only the Created may apply it. #FeelingTheBern #Bernie2016

Guardians are expected to arrive on worlds containing achievement hunters within the next three hours.


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