NEWS: Decent Spawns On Escape From ARC Blamed On Glitch


Another glitch has risen from the shadows to stifle fear and dismay upon players of Halo 5: Guardians. Affecting the Warzone map titled ‘Escape From ARC,’ this glitch appears to give players decent spawn points—and not the intended shitty spawns that take great effort to flawlessly spawn you in the trajectory of a Wraith mortar, or three hundred yards from the West Armory as only one (yes, one) enemy is about to capture it.

Obviously, this has caused a great deal of frustration upon fans and developers alike.  858 Static Carillon (former monitor of the Composer’s Forge), for example, describes the glitch as “Utterly gamebreaking [and] the epitome of 343’s incompetence.”

As the community continued to roil and fester under the dreadful posture of this glitch, Halo 5: Guardians executive producer Josh Holmes took to the official Mario Kart forums to address the community’s concerns.

“The team is aware of this bug, and we are working around the clock to get a patch out as quickly as possible,” Holmes said. “We know how much fans cherish the pathetic, ass-gripping spawn points on Escape From ARC. We know how important losing that legendary REQ because you spawned in front of someone with a bayoneted SMG is to fans.”

However, Holmes’s words of assurance were simply not enough. Warden Eternal (Keeper of the Domain) harshly criticized the team at 343, claiming that they were “wrought with insolent irresponsibility” for “failing to maintain such a trivial concept as providing devotees with an irrationally hideous endeavor of spawning.”

Furthermore, that one asshole who camps above the Garage for the duration of the match described 343’s handling of the catastrophic bug as “Debilitating bullshit.” That one asshole then asked, “How am I supposed to snipe players who spawn in the dead center of the tunnel connecting the home base to the Garage if they are spawning safe behind the walls of the Armories? Unacceptable, 343!”

Once again, fans can be assured that 343 is working around the clock and remains committed to redeeming Escape From ARC to its intended, broken state. After all, when has 343 not delivered promises of staying committed to fixing gapingly broken products? (And don’t say MCC, you anti-343, shortsighted, Bungie fanboy hater!)


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