NEWS: Rambunctious Player Vows To Spawn-Board Your ONI Scorpion


FARGO, ND—Brian Glassman (aged 24), going by the gamertag “DevilSamuraiXD,” has made chilling promise to players wishing to enjoy the popular Warzone gametype in Halo 5: Guardians. Glassman, through the Faceslap social media platform, said the following:

“You know that legendary REQ you’ve been holding for a while? You know, that ONI Scorpion that took you sixty four Gold Packs to unlock? Guess what: the moment you spawn from the garage on Escape from A.R.C., I’m going to board it. I’m going to board it hard and I’m gonna plant my grenade balls-deep into that cabin. Oh, and you’re gonna scream and wail and I’m gonna laugh into the mic while crunching on my Doritos chips. That’s right—the sound of fingers shuffling through a plastic bag and orange chips snapping between teeth, leaving cheese and crumbs all over a controller and chubby fingers, will overpower the sound of your pathetic whimpering while you helplessly watch your tank explode and my Spartan thrust away from the explosion.”

As if Glassman’s threats weren’t terrifying enough, he continued in the comments.

“And you know what? There’s nothing you can do! Haha! You can’t shoot me off, I’m immune to your damage!  Your teammates can’t help you, I’ll have planted the grenade before they even know you’re boarded! And even if you are able to get out of the garage in time, my Spartan moves faster than the slowed sensitivity of the scorpion’s cannon even without the five speed boosts I have equipped! You’ll never get a hit on me, loser!”

The worst part about Glassman’s threats is that it’s entirely possible to do this in Warzone. And that’s exactly why HaloSwallower (and we aren’t being sarcastic) is proposing a few fixes that may help alleviate this frustrating problem.

Step 1: Remove the ability to plant grenades into vehicles when boarding. Requiring players to melee vehicles (durability of armor modifies amount of melee hits needed) in order to destroy them gives teammates a greater opportunity to shoot boarders off, and makes the destruction of the vehicle feel more rewarding when actually executed, and not insanely cheap.

Step 2: In addition to removing grenade-planting, give an additional HUD indicator of a vehicle being boarded. As it currently stands, vehicles under boarding-attack flash between ‘friendly’ and ‘enemy’ on the motion tracker, but the motion tracker’s lack of substantial range makes this indicator rather useless once you’re out of range. Simply have “x is being boarded” appear on the service tag waypoint of whoever’s being boarded.

Sounds good?


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