NEWS: Area Man starting to realize he is somewhat responsible for losing previous game


Claiming that this was a potentially life-changing epiphany, regular Halo 5 player James Miller, 24, who also goes by the gamertag “CubedH5”, reportedly told himself that maybe he’s the reason why his team lost that Capture the Flag match on Truth that he just played not too ago.

“Upon analysing the entire match in Theater mode, I found that on more than one occasion, I chose to attempt to slay enemy players instead of trying to pick up the flag, even though it was right beside me,” Miller told HaloSwallower as the screen showed him standing still and trying to shoot a player with his Assault Rifle at long range, despite the flag being literally right in his face, only to die a humiliating death to a Plasma Caster from said player, unable to control his rage as he watched the enemy player single-handedly return the flag from its former position at Bottom Mid.

“And to think I spent the next 30 seconds after respawning screaming into my mic at my teammates for not supporting me even though they had just been killed and couldn’t respawn,” Miller continued as the screen showed him going idle for 30 seconds as he went on an expletive-filled rant while his teammates were on the other side of the map trying to get an enemy flag pull, their useful callouts being drowned out by Miller’s angry voice.

Miller then showed us a dent on a nearby wall, explaining that it got there when he was killed by an enemy Spartan rocking the Active Camo + Sword combo. As he continued to scream into the mic while trying to piece back together his Locke Edition Xbox One controller, the enemy team launched a coordinated assault on his team’s base, blocking his team’s favorable spawns as they escorted their flag carrier back to their base to get an easy flag capture.

“It all went downhill from that point onwards and we ended up losing the game 0-3,” Miller concluded. “ At first, I wanted to blame the map, but then I realized that Midship was one of my best maps, and Truth, being a remake of Midship, therefore cannot be to blame for my loss.”

“Naturally, my next instinct would be to blame rank. I inspected the post-game carnage report using my laptop on Halo Waypoint. To my genuine surprise, I found out that my teammates were all Platinum players, and I was the only Gold player on their team. Furthermore, both teams appear to have been evenly matched, with each team having 3 Platinum players and 1 Gold player.” Miller explained.

“Desperate to find an excuse, I ran an Internet speed test, hoping to be able to blame my loss on lag. Instead, I found that my Internet speed turned out to be 20 Mbps down / 10 up, and my ping was a mere 10 ms at most!” Miller elaborated. “At that point, I lay on my bed, devastated by the sudden realization that it was actually a possibility that I could have been partially responsible for losing my previous game, and that I wasn’t the best and perfect player in the world and that there was room for improvement for me.”

Sources told HaloSwallower that Miller had supposedly started doing things like practicing aiming with the Magnum, keeping track of power weapons and calling out to his teammates. However, all this came to an abrupt end when he found a video compilation of excuses he could use should he ever lose again, and Miller reverted back to his original state of blaming everyone and everything but himself.

But lag is still the best excuse


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