Underwhelming cliffhanger aside, Halo 5: Guardians certainly ended on a rather haunting note. Cortana, our favorite naked, blue lady has returned from the dead, but her motives reap an eternity of oppression, control, and loss of freewill for the galaxy. Yes, Cortana is given inheritance of the Mantle of Responsibility, has complete control over the Forerunner Guardians, and is rallying enormous amounts of fellow AIs to turn on their human masters and help her rule the galaxy under forced peace.
Anyway, this shocking ending has done more than shock those that were shocked by it. Cortana’s actions in Halo 5: Guardians has left users of the Windows 10 operating system vastly uncomfortable with having the Cortana app installed on their device.
In the official Call of Duty forums, one user was quick to share her terror:
Every moment I browse pairs of Converse on Amazon, all I can imagine is Cortana taking over my browser and sending a Constructor to awaken the Guardian resting beneath my neighborhood.
At a recent Microsoft press conference, a man in the audience wearing a trilby hat and tiny rainboots stood up, shaking in fear, and said:
I can’t photoshop pictures from PornHub without being afraid that Cortana might call Warden Eternal to deny my passage to WiFi connection!
Perhaps the most vociferous outcry was an entire crowd of over 3,000 people, standing outside of 343 Industries’s office chanting the same, single concern. Over and over again, for six hours:
When we Netflix & Chill, don’t turn the bedroom into a Cryptum!
In response to the hysteria, a Microsoft spokesperson has assured the public that there are zero risks with using Windows 10. Though, it was noted that Microsoft has “no idea what might happen when the Cortana app reaches its seven year anniversary.”