[Spoilers] NEWS: Warden Eternal Laments Being “Friend-Zoned” By Cortana


Warden Eternal is one of the various antagonists within the story of Halo 5: Guardians. He also holds the honor of being the most repetitive boss fight available on the Xbox One. However, in spite of his achievements, he is a broken man. Yes, despite his extreme dedication to the cause, Warden Eternal has been placed in Cortana’s “friend zone.” And he is none too happy about it.

HaloSwallower has reached out to the Warden, and he agreed to speak with us provided that we give him a free code to the Warzone Premium REQ Pack. Alas, Warden said,

I saved Cortana from death on Darth Didact’s ship and brought her to the Domain. I gave her the Mantle, the Guardians, and she repays my kindness with the friend-zone.

Now, before we were able to bow our heads in sympathy with our tall Promethean friend, we felt obligated to hear from both sides of the story. After assuring her that Shield World 420 would not rise up against her and the Created’s rule, we managed to get some insight from Cortana herself. Cortana said,

Warden Eternal is like that annoying guy who has a burning crush on you and literally will do absolutely everything for you, to the point of which you can’t do anything for yourself. I’m here trying to rule the goddamn galaxy, and he comes along and buries his nose in all of my work. Like thanks, but no thanks.

We then asked Cortana how she felt about Warden Eternal being upset about the “Friend zone.”

“Friend zone?” Really? Sorry Warden, but if you want to swap code with me, you’re gonna have to do more than enslave yourself to me. Oh, and I don’t appreciate you getting jealous over the Chief. Fuck off. We broke up in 2557. Don’t worry about it.

Before Cortana could elaborate, Warden Eternal promptly interrupted the transmission.

Cortana, if you didn’t care about the Chief anymore, why would you try to lock him in a Cryptum? Naive.

Cortana pulled Warden Eternal from the network, and then thanked us for taking the time to reach out to her. Since then, a Guardian actively patrols the vicinity of our own world, Shield World 420, and we are not sure why. However, there is a valuable lesson to be learned here: To those in our audience, let it come to your realization that there is no such thing as the fucking “friend zone.” Respect people enough to see them as fellow human-beings, and not as machines that you can put coins of kindness into until sex comes out.


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