THEORY: Did The Master Chief Go AWOL In Halo 5 To Find His Missing Space Diaper?

The plot of Halo 5: Guardians still leaves us with many questions. Why are people idiotically calling Fireteam Osiris Red Team? How is the Domain back after being destroyed by the Halos? Who the hell is the Warden Eternal and why is he denying Locke’s passage (what a dick!) into the Bat Cave?

The largest question, however, may be the reasoning as to why the Master Chief and Blue Team, despite living the vast majority of the entire lives serving the UNSC, have gone AWOL. This is something extremely mysterious. As previously stated, the Master Chief has always served the UNSC. He killed some ODSTs in a ring, crushed rebellions, and defeated the Covenant under their command. Like how the Arbiter was the will of the Prophets, the Master Chief and the rest of his fellow Spartans were the will of the UNSC. The Master Chief suddenly turning his back on them–especially during a time when enormous Forerunner constructs are wreaking havoc across human colonies–just isn’t the kind of thing that could usually happen.

That is, unless the Master Chief has a really, really compelling reason to abandon his post during a time when those he protects are being rekt by Guardians. And that reason is…

To reclaim the Space Diaper 343 Industries’s artists treacherously stole from him.

Here are some reasons as to why the Space Diaper is significant:

  • It provides an additional layer of protection to the Master Chief’s more intimate regions
  • It allows the Master Chief to look like he has a boner during every second of combat
  • It serves as ammunition for fans to speculate over whether or not its a pee tank
  • It’s absolutely perfect for restricting movement
  • It’s iconic, that’s what it is

OR…the Master Chief could just be going AWOL from the Domain manifesting as a hallucination of Cortana to convince him to follow its bidding, like what a lot of actual evidence suggests. But what the fuck do we know? HAHAHAHA HAH

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