Last month, we gave you a most detailed, most thorough, most in-depth analysis on the various rectal carapaces existing within the Halo universe. However, due to college being an enjoyable (for now) bitch, we missed the first of September.
But fear not!
We’re BACK. And better yet, we’re back HOTTER and SEXIER. And we have FREE TACOS. And not just any tacos, but FISH TACOS!
So get ready for a new era. September has sprung, our channel’s getting back on its feet, and little by little, the new great age of Halo that is HaloSwallower is growing and growing.
What is dead may never die (wrong universe sry) what has been Swallowed may never be Regurgitated. So get ready for more theories, more news, more bullshit, and better yet–a new NARRATIVES category. That’s right, newly hired She Sangheili will be writing humorous fanfics from far and across the universe to brighten your path into the Divine Beyond. Although we unfortunately thankfully aren’t offering Hentai adaptions of Halo Legends, just ready yourself for the banter that awaits your untainted mortal soul.
THAT BEING SAID
September: How To Train Your Quadwing
Many maintain that Moas are the most vicious creature in the universe. A few months back, we published a theory stating that the reason ONI bombed the shit out of Ven III’s Kig-Yar colony was because they wanted the Moa to know what happens to birds who disobey humanity, essentially an attempt to scare them into submission before they could destroy them all. However, Moas aren’t, in fact, the most dangerous creatures in the universe. For that title goes only to the unfathomable Quadwing (Pterodactylus Quattuor).
Quadwings possess surprisingly formidable fighting capabilities. The strength of their wings gives them the ability to strike their target with speeds up to 1200 miles per hour, their talons have a bite-force of 15,000 pounds per inch, and their beaks are lined with millions of sharp teeth that can slice through flesh like an Energy Sword through butter. They are extremely dangerous creatures, and are not to be trifled with.
However, in spite of that all, they can be tamed. Like any reptile, the brain of a Quadwing does not possess a location that produces emotions. That means Quadwings are impassive to all other surroundings, and will not ever care about their caretakers as any more than a source of food (whether that’s the caretaker feeding the Quadwing, or the Quadwing just getting up and eating the caretaker itself). To tame them, one must simply dodge the Quadwing’s rapid attacks (it can strike its beak at 15000mph, don’t worry), strap a saddle onto its back, and then soar wildly into the sky. To maneuver the beast, simply dangle a bucket of fish heads attached to a stick by a string in front of the Quadwings head, and then point the bucket in the direction you want the beast to go.
It will be difficult at first, no doubt, but we can assure you that if you give your task patience and persistence, you will prevail.