Despite 343 Industries’s best wishes and seemingly expedient desires, shocking and astonishing new evidence gathered from a survey conducted by Microsoft’s Customer Surveillance Department (CSD) has suggested that Halo fans might actually give a remote shit about splitscreen after all. That is, approximately 14% of fans have stated that the removal of splitscreen will effect their decision to purchase Halo 5: Gardeners this fall. This has come to an enormous suprise to the headbosses at 343, and severe outrage to members of the Union Of 343 Apologists.
Among those vehement about splitscreen’s removal, a Halo fan named More Cicadas has gone above and beyond. More Cicadas started a strenuous Official Splitscreen Bitching thread on Halo Waypoint‘s forum, and jump started the #Halo5CouchPotatoes hashtag on Twitter. More Cicadas also sought to get an answer from 343 about the removal of splitscreen, but this was no easy endeavor. Eventually, after weeks of DMing Josh Holmes (Halo 5 Executive Producer) nudes, More Cicadas received a half-assed answer that only added climate change and budget cuts against firefighters to the wildfire.
On the other hand, Josh Holmes himself has likewise been affected by this surprising revelation. Holmes now drinks tea instead of coffee, and no longer gets his hair styled on an hourly basis.
“I’ve never been more surprised in my entire career,” Holmes said while combing his hair, “I thought that the presence of the goddamn internet would make 14% of fans forget about splitscreen. Looks like I was 14% wrong.”