Normally, we award you lot with 100% factually accurate (actually entirely satiric, but that should be obvious) news and theories. However, today, we’re going to kick off the month of August with a comprehensive, in-depth, and intuitive analysis (HA) on the assortment of buttocks that roam the cosmos of Halo. Whether it’s digital, human, or alien, we aim to take you to back to the bottom. So get ready, and prepare for the booty.
Starting with Cortana
The most iconic buttocks in the Halo universe may very well be the 1024-bit cheeks of Cortana. Serving as a fap generator since 2001, and being the inspiration for the Master Chief since 2549, Cortana’s butt appears in five Halo games: Halo: Combat Evolved, Halo 2, Halo 3, Halo: Reach, and Halo 4. It also appears in Halo 2: Anniversary, but we don’t like to talk about that because it’s portrayed with clothes on (H2A Cortana also doesn’t have a neck; her chin just stretches to her collar bones, taking the shape of a half-human half-hyena monstrosity that is obsolete as fap-fuel for adolescent gamers).
Anyway, let’s look at the anatomy of Cortana’s butt. As we know, she is an artificial intelligence who displays herself via hologram. Thus, her butt is non-physical, and is merely an arrangement of light. If one were to attempt to grab the booty, they’d find themselves suffering the frustration of grasping at open air. However, in her last moments during Halo 4, Cortana was able to display herself through hardlight (hard light). In doing so, she grabbed Chief’s manboobs and said “I’ve waited so long to do that.” And then, she died.
We are expecting Chief’s greatest spark of sadness to cope with in Halo 5: Guardians to be “Why the actual fuck didn’t I grab the booty when I had the chance?”
Part 2: Master Chief
If you’re into buttocks plated with titanium alloy and protected with energy shielding, the Master Chief’s butt may be for you. Cortana liked it, probably every (excuse our generalizations) fangirl likes it, the Ur-Didact LOVES it…and who can blame them? It’s genetically augmented to the point where the cheeks are iron, and it’s the buttocks of the greatest hero every witnessed by the galaxy. That’s something you don’t witness every millennium. Now, where has the Chief’s butt had service. During the events of Halo 2 and 3 Commander Miranda Keyes sneaked grabs of Chief’s butt during multiple occasions in combat. We can’t know whether or not Chief noticed, or just liked having his butt grabbed, but this was a reoccurring experience during their interaction together. Likewise, when Halsey first met John in 2517, the only thing she could think of was how “Magnificent that six year old boy’s ass was” (wtf r u doin halsey).
Well, interesting. We have three occasions of people related to Halsey being interested in Chief’s butt: Cortana, Halsey, and Miranda (obviously two of them are complete bs). Maybe it runs in the blood? Maybe it’s just Chief’s geas. Who knows.
Part 3: Halo: Reacharound
If there’s one thing that disappointed fans between the transition from Halo: Reach to Halo 4, it was the severe downgrade in booty caliber in female Spartans. Within Reach, the female Spartans had such stunning booty, that many male, hormone-driven, penis-brained fans (not necessarily saying I’m not one of them) played as them for the sake of staring at the booty during the few 3rd-person moments of combat. Likewise, many players chose to follow Kat-B320 around as much as possible during the campaign–even to the point of risking their lives while she drove their Warthog (do not EVER do this). And those individuals aren’t without reason, because Bungie REALLY overreached with those cheeks there. In fact, it would have been fitting for Martin O’Donnell to just have this song compose the entire game’s soundtrack:
Part 4: Ballaho Booty
In Halo 4, our pathetic (yet somehow dangerous) Unggoy friends received an anatomic upgrade in the gluteus maximus department which resulted in them becoming infinitely more formidable. Yes, rather than having a crustacean-like backwards pelvis, Grunts have been fully equipped with proper, threatening, and intimidating muscular backsides. These are the kind of buttocks that make players tremble in fear, and pray to whatever divine beings they worship that this ruthless, terrifying Grunt grants them a quick and painless death (at that point they know that death is inevitable). From the Grunt’s perspective, on the other hand, they are filled to the brim with satisfaction from how after eleven years of being ‘one of gaming’s most pathetic enemies,’ they finally have been given a blessing that makes them more than just the cannon-fodder we know them as. Needless to say, 343 Industries has made a dangerous error in empowering the Grunts with a potent pair of cheeks.
In the end, fear not the booty, but fear yourself. Because once Halo has finally elapsed after a planned thirty years (actually true) of content, make sure that what you remember it by is not it’s godly, bombastic armada of asses. And now, we close this by saying…