Out of many questions surrounding the plot of Halo 5: BR Starts On Guardian, none are more so engrossing than the identity of the enormous, giant fucking metal human-centipede birds that are called Guardians. When the Halo On Xbox One Announcement Trailer was revealed at E3 2013, many speculated that it was Mendicant Bias, or a Seeker, or a War Spanks. Later on, after the end of One Of The Most Cringe-worthy 72 Hours Of Halo arc for Halo: Escalation, some fans even speculated that the object in the trailer (and in Halo 2: Anniversary) was the now-composed Didact’s new form. Alas, however, all of them were wrong; these constructs are called Guardians, and apparently they’re wreking the dank sheet out of the galaxy WIF NO SERVIVERS.
We know that they’re called Guardians. However, we still don’t know what their purpose is. Do they guard the galaxy from the inevitable reckoning from
Climate Change the Flood? Do they guard the Domain alongside Warden Eternal? Or are they just in it for the lulz?
The answer may be at hand: Mr Fatness.
According to Fishy Eats, a staff member for HaloFollower.com, Mr Fatness was an “MLG goldfish who lived closed to Dewitos Mountain Range” (Eats, 2015). Throughout his euphorically aquatic career, Mr Fatness took great dedication in “1v1ing cheeky scrubs on Halo” (Eats, 2015). Among his achievements, the greatest is how Mr Fatness “rekt Chris from HaloFollower” (Eats, two thousand and also fifteen).
That greatest achievement, on its own, seals the deal. Although it’s not difficult to wrek Chris, as HaloSwallower has most certainly demonstrated (because Chris leaving HaloFollower within weeks after the formation of a parody on him definitely isn’t a coincidence), Mr Fatness wreked Chris on a proportion only doable by a 4635ft giant metal bird thing. Yes, only a Guardian has the power to wrek him in such a glorious way.