THEORY: Was MCC Released Unpatched To Soil Bungie’s Mojo?

Released on November 11, 2014, Halo: The Master Chief Collection was hoped to be the greatest act of redemption ever enacted by a video game developer. Unfortunately, that attempt of redemption dropped on its shoelaces after slipping on a banana peel and then fell of a cliff and into a pool of hungry Piranhasauruses. Because Halo: The Master Chief Collection was ejaculated into the market while engorged with every bug and glitch imaginable. It was a nightmare.

Now, in lieu of the ashes finally clearing after 343 WINdustries slowly, but surely, released actually functioning monthly patches, we are left with a lingering question:

Why.

Most believe that it was because 343 Industries overreached and let their ambition get the better of them. Basically, the main assumption (which was explained by 343) is that 343 tried to make a huge product under a rushed deadline. They also outsourced to a bajillion other companies, which seemed to have resulted in major discrepancy between aspects of the game.

However, the true answer be of far more miscreant intent. The true answer may be because the rapscallions at 343 wanted to shatter the legacy of Bungie’s (Yolo-God bless them) sacred mojo. They—in their impunity—wanted to erase the hallowed work that Bungie delivered in the first three games…and so, they took those three blessed icons of gaming, and released them in an unrelentingly broken state!

They defiled the gaping plot holes of Halo 3‘s flawlessly told campaign by making coop more finicky than the Prophet of Truth’s leathery buttcheeks. They desecrated the button glitches of Halo 2 by slapping HD graphics onto it and (gasp!) slightly changing the art direction. They defiled the sanctity of Halo: Combat Evolved‘s undeniably balanced 3-shot-kill pistol and how it outplayed the entire sandbox and made gameplay utterly monotonous by adding medals into its multiplayer. And most blasphemous, most insulting, they paired those three holy games with the monstrosity that was Halo 4.

Gah, the way Halo 4‘s story actually had believable characters and successful emotional appeal and actually acknowledged the existence of the enormous expanded universe just makes the average person vomit their entire digestive track. Putting it on the same disc as Bungie’s games is the greatest crime ever created.

So that is why 343 Industries released Halo: The Master Chief Collection in its iconic, buggy state: to insult fans and all who revere to the sacred Bungie faith.

Praise be onto Bungie!

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