NEWS: White Male Characters Feeling Threatened By Growing Number Of Women In The Story

The UEG Tea Party isn’t the only group upset about recent advances in civil rights, it now appears. White male characters all across the Halo universe are in outcry against the recent population surge of female characters. This surge, triggered by the inclusion of at least four playable and main female characters in Halo 5: Guardians, is seen by many white male characters as “a threat to their existence”, and an “unnatural change to society.” (Really guys?)

Michael Horrigan, the alpha douchebag from Halo: Nightfall, has reached out to HaloSwallower and explained his stance on the apparent issue.

I think this is absurd. Halo games have always been about fighting in the shoes of white males. We fought as the Master Chief, we fought as the Rookie, we fought as Noble Six. All of them were pure, untainted experiences…and to see female characters, and worse—one of which is a black  female character, being playable? Well, that’s a threat to everything I stand for. That’s a threat to hatred, to phobia, to discrimination. I cannot fathom why those fascists at 343 would oppress us white males like this! What’s next…will 343 give female characters equal pay???

There is currently an ongoing petition, started by Andrew Del Rio, to remove civil diversity from the Halo universe. This petition has already gained much support from the insanely xenophobic and extremely detrimental to galactic progress terrorist organization known as Sapien Sunrise. Avu Med ‘Telcam, leader of the extremist sect called Servants of the Abiding Truth, has also endorsed the petition.

The Primordial, the last Precursor, has likewise expressed interest in signing the petition:

I think that it [the petition] really fits into our mindset. Ever since the Forerunners rose against us, we’ve always set our hearts on making sure that all life forever lives in constant agony. The way this petition aims to ensure the oppression of women across the galaxy really makes our plan easier. It does a lot of work for us.

Luckily, for the better of modern society and of the gaming industry and of the Halo universe, these individuals are a vocal minority. Ultra conservative, anti-civil rights, and backwards nutjobs haven’t fucked everyone over yet.

At least you tried, Michael.

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