June 16, 2015
In Halo 4, fans mourned the loss of a key feature in Halo multiplayer that had existed since 2004. That feature, that pivotal, game-defining feature, was the ability to play as a Sangheili (Sang•heil•i), or Elite, in multiplayer game modes. However, in the upcoming Halo 5: Guardians, 343 Industries has promised to makeup for that loss in a way that all gamers can enjoy. In an official statement during Xbox’s conference at 3E 5102, Halo 5 Creative Designer Tim Longo revealed the newest salvation for the Sangheili community:
“We’re delighted to announce that playable Elites will return, as paid DLC, in Halo 5 this fall!”
After the crowd finished cheering in frantic happiness (the force of which showed up on nearby Richter scales as a 5.7 magnetide earthquake), Longo proceeded to highlight details on how the new playable Elites will be implemented into Halo 5‘s now biologically diverse multiplayer.
“At launch, we’ll be offering a base, fully naked model for Sangheili with a price of only 5.99 United States dollars,” Longo explained. “Within the next eight months after launch, we’ll systematically release single armor pieces until players, for 5.99 a piece, can fully clothe their Sangheili by June 2016.”
After Longo left the stage and passed the torch to Bonnie Ross, an eyewitnesses reported a Phantom-class dropship swooping down from the heavens, and dispatching a squad of fully naked Sangheili soldiers. The Sangheili allegedly circled around Longo, with each offering him six dollars and begging to be protected by the chilling 90° California air. When Longo refused to give the Sangheili the armor they requested, saying that it was “all digital” and not “on-disc,” he was vaporized from a single blast of the Phantom’s ventral-mounted plasma cannon. The Sangheili returned to the Phantom and immediately fled the scene. Thus far, local authorities have not been able to catch the offendors, but the people of LA have not lost hope for justice.