June 15, 2015
E3, or Electronic Entertainment Exposition, is very much the most vital event for gamers. That is no exception for the Halo franchise, which is expected to be illegally exposed by rebelious members of 343 Industries during Microsoft’s presentation at E3 today. These employees have threatened to leak campaign, story, and multiplayer details in response to a disappointing fan response. One of the employees, 343 General Manager Bonnie Ross, made the official threat earlier this morning:
“During the past two years since we first indirectly announced Halo 5: Guardians, fans have not been excited enough. This is an unacceptable response, and we can’t have that. Thus, we’ve been left with no choice. Unless fans can show that they are truly excited for our product without seeing campaign gameplay, we will leak a small portion of the game later today.”
Although most fans haven’t yet responded to the renegade General Manager’s threats, the Major League Gaming division of the Halo community has vowed to protect loyal fans from the incoming onslaught. The elected ambassador of the MLG community, XxLordFedoraxX, has offered a message of hope for the distraught community:
“We know that unexcited fans aren’t the enemy. The enemy is the greedy members of 343 Industries that would rather see Halo grow and innovate rather than maintain its rightful, static, and unchanged experience! There is only one way to save Halo 5 from these leak threats: to buy a Fedora.
Buy your Fedoras. All of you. Take a stand and fight for the greater bad!
The MLG leet Security Council has vowed not to negotiate with the 343i rebels. Instead, they have promised to go on a mass Dorito shopping spree, flee to their homes, and play Halo 3 on their Xbox 360’s while loudly, obnoxiously, crunching on Doritos.